Dont deserve this ghost, but I hope she stays.
I booked the nicest suite in the hotel by the beach. I lit the tea light candles around the room and made it into our oasis. I got caught in a rainstorm with you and had to run through it in sandals so we could crawl back under the covers and spend the night accompanied by the flicker of candlelight and your skin against mine. I studied the art murals. Okay, that’s a lie. I studied you while you studied the art. I watched as your face lit up on the boardwalk. I shared my ice cream and admired the smile on your face as you finished the cone. I traded in our ski ball tokens for matching candy bracelets. I braved the ocean to chase you to the ends of the earth. I smiled as we downed our third round of cocktails on the sand. I sipped frosé until I lost all inhibitions and turned into a sexual deviant. I watched as you admired each freckle on my sun-kissed skin, wishing you would reach down and press your lips to each one that swept over my chest. I laughed as you admired my curls from the salty air. I whispered I love you for the first time. And then I said it again. I giggled as you did a happy dance reading the dinner menu each night. I, poorly, resisted the urge to keep my hands off of you at the dinner table. I flashed my camera as you took your first bite, white wine draped between your fingertips. I captured the moment of you, peering into the sunset and taking a picture of the way it set over the lake with the American flag waving in the wind. I set the picture as my phone wallpaper. I interlaced your fingers in mine as we explored the town. I nibbled on hash browns after you took a picture with your first Dunkin’ donut. I giggled like a child when you whispered, “thank you,” each time I pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. I smiled for bathroom photo shoots. I felt the safety of your arms around me as you clung to me in the pool. I fell in love. Over and over again. Harder than ever. With no way of resurfacing for air.
You didn’t lose love, it’s still here. It still burns brighter than all the stars in the galaxy. Even on the darkest of nights – it’s still there.
You’re my 4 am thoughts, alone in the silence of the night. You’re my 2 pm thoughts, a welcomed distraction in my work day when I’m aching to reach out and rest my hand on your thigh. You’re my 9 am thoughts, craving the warmth of you on all the cold lonely mornings. You’re my 8 pm thoughts, your head in my lap and my fingers through your hair. You’re my 11 pm thoughts, my fingertips aching for your skin to draw you impossibly closer.
Do you ever wonder why we had that extra night? Like it was gifted to us. I don’t always believe in higher powers or things happening for a reason, but it’s things like this that make me question it all.
My flight was cancelled, do you remember? The winds were too strong – planes couldn’t take off. They had to put all the travelers up in an airport hotel. An inconvenience to most travelers, sure. But for us? But now? All I can think about is how grateful I am to have had that one extra night indulging in you. As if some higher power knew what greater storm we were about to face, so it stirred up that wind storm and kept me close to you.
One extra night in the same time zone, where it wasn’t London and New York. Just you and me.
One extra night spent laughing with you between every kiss. One extra night with our bodies intertwined between the sheets. One extra night sharing dinner together, smiling and chatting without a care in the world. One extra night sleeping with my arms holding you tightly against me and refusing to let go. One extra night singing along to show tunes and giggling as we stumbled over the wrong words.
One extra night of love.
One extra night of warmth.
One extra night of us.
One extra night of all the things I miss most.
One extra night of all the things I didn’t appreciate enough until long after my flight touched back down.
I still look for you in every book. In every lyric. In every line of poetry. In every episode of television. In each movie I watch for the hundredth time. I still look for you among a sea of strangers in a crowded room. In the emptiest of places. In every piece of artwork. I still look for you, even in my loneliest dreams.
I can never have you.
So here I am again,
dreaming of what we could have been.
People worry, they wonder
Why am I always busy living in a fantasy?
But it’s because
That’s all you can ever be anymore.
“What’s it like,” she whispers into the shadows of night. “To love someone with your entire being and experience that type of love in return?”
If I didn’t know better, I’d capture the stars for you
Illuminate every inch of mischief you keep buried
The whisky we drink warms our throats, coats our inhibitions
But I keep drinking, fuzzy thoughts of you keeping me company
Darling, you’ve got a lover waiting for you
Yet here you are —
If I didn’t know better, I’d say you wanted me, too.
Give me one night alone with you
I’d let it happen, let myself fall
If I didn’t know better.
But I do, I do.
But you’ve got me feeling again, opening up
My thoughts finally settling inside my noisy head
If I didn’t know better, I’d want this
I’ve been waiting for you, I’ve ached for you
And now you’re here, I want you to stay
If I didn’t know better, I’d ask you to.
I crossed a line, I want you to be mine.
In my arms, in my bed,
In my heart, in my head.
You’re captured me, all yours, all yours.
If I didn’t know better, I’d find a way.
I saw poetry in your eyes and, right then and there, I knew I was under your spell.
I should be happy for you, I know I should. But there’s a sharp ache in my chest – knowing you’ll never look at me the way you look at her.
I forgot what I was capable of —
These feelings building up inside me
The gleeful grin lighting up my face
At the sound of your name on my tongue
And the thought of your lips on mine
Thanks for reminding me how this feels
I was never destined for a great love story
But meeting someone who is capable of loving as deeply as you do,
Someone who lets their entire heart consume them
In every sense of the word
…It gives me a sliver of hope
That maybe, one day, I could be capable of
experiencing such a deep love like yours.
I’m scared of what you’re capable of.
You bring out the best in me
And you scare the shit out of me
I joke you’re the nervous one
That I’m always in control
But deep down, that’s a lie
You have me wrapped around your finger
And we both know it.
Sometimes I feel like nobody could ever truly love me,
because nobody could ever truly understand me.