Dont deserve this ghost, but I hope she stays.
Nothing more than a resilient woman
with sad eyes, an empty heart,
and chains that bind her
to the haunting darkness
that’s made a home
in her own mind
Losing Him, Finding You
A month that had stood for all that was lost
None of us knew how much it could cost
Cameras flashing at me,
They must’ve heard the news
Wounds were exposed
and it ripped me in two
Felt like an endless well
Never ending, stuck in this hell
You came out of nowhere
Still dreaded the cold
When the well bled dry,
You were something to hold
When I was hurt and in pain,
You were hope in all of my days
He may be gone, but look what I have gained
Oh, I would never let that go
February is Cold Again
You disappeared slowly,
and then all at once
Watched you go, the way I watched him
Now the well’s bled dry,
I have no one to hold
All the hurt and the pain,
I’ve only grown cold
He may be gone,
but now so are you
I’ll never let that go
Oh, I could never let you go
all your demons, oh I knew
fought them off with a sword
held you tighter when they pushed through
now you rewrite the tale, blinded by rage
paint me as nothing more than the villain,
still taking up every page
I hate the way I still fight for you
I hate the way I still hope for you
I hate the way I still ache for you
I hate the way I still cry for you
I hate the way I still crave you
I hate the way I still feel for you
I hate what remains of you
I hate the way
I wonder what’s a greater curse – never knowing love, or having met your greatest love and losing it all.
I called out your name between whimpers and sighs, tears stinging my squeezed-shut eyes, as I clung to the nothingness that is now just your ghost.
I have yet to find a star that shines as brightly as you do.
One that illuminates the nights skies
the way your smile lights up a room.
Still, I keep searching.
All my dreams are of you
calling to say you miss me, too.
11:11 rolled around,
but I didn’t say your name this time.
I said mine.
I was so afraid to relinquish that last piece of invisible thread – that last bit of hope. So I desperately clung to it. Too afraid of what would remain once the hope was lost.
Turns out, I’m still here.
I’m still fighting.
I’m still growing.
I’m still brave.
Hope isn’t gone. It still remains.
It lives within me – for me.
I have a lightness that I haven’t seen in myself in months. I’ve restored the faith in my strength.
In my ability to love. To forgive. To heal.
You didn’t lose love, it’s still here. It still burns brighter than all the stars in the galaxy. Even on the darkest of nights – it’s still there.
You’re my 4 am thoughts, alone in the silence of the night. You’re my 2 pm thoughts, a welcomed distraction in my work day when I’m aching to reach out and rest my hand on your thigh. You’re my 9 am thoughts, craving the warmth of you on all the cold lonely mornings. You’re my 8 pm thoughts, your head in my lap and my fingers through your hair. You’re my 11 pm thoughts, my fingertips aching for your skin to draw you impossibly closer.
If I squeeze my eyes shut, I can pretend your body is right here beside me again. I can pretend your hand is inches from mine, waiting for me to take it. I can reach out and feel your warmth. But then I open my eyes. It’s cold. And I’m numb.