— And once again, the sunlight slips between my fingers, giving me a taste of what I can see but can never feel.
You wake up and the melancholy consumes you. All you want is to turn off the lights, tug the blanket tighter around your body, numb the pain, silence the world for just a little longer.
But you don’t.
You get out of bed, make it neat and tidy. Strip down and climb under the stream of the warm water. You towel off, brush your hair, throw on clothes, apply your makeup, put on a coat, climb into your car.
And you think to yourself… I did it.
It was a small victory, but it was a baby step.
And those matter.
I knew it would happen,
It was never supposed to be a surprise
Hell, you even warned me
You couldn’t be there forever
But that doesn’t help cushion the fall
When the world keeps crumbling
And my best friend is no longer by my side
But you wanted more
And I could never be what you needed
And now that you’re gone
Do you even realize you took a part of me with you?
I hate wanting something I can never have
What hurts even worse
Is that you will never even know
you are everything I want
Loneliness comes and goes
Like waves pummeling down on the shore
The water rises, knocking you down
Then slowly, the tide draws it back
You can try to run away
Like children jumping to avoid the fast-approaching water
as it slithers up the sand
But no matter how hard you try
The water still catches you
You’re buried deeper into the sand with each wave that hits
Until you manage to wiggle your way out
And then the cycle begins again
As the loneliness comes in waves
How do you still manage to do this to me?
I try so hard to not let it get to me,
But no matter how hard I try to resist,
You still claw your way under my skin.
Peel back my layers
Nestle your way under my scars
Tearing me apart.
— Exposing me, leaving me raw.
All the minutes, all the hours,
All the time I’ve spent in a frantic search trying to find the right song.
The perfect one to describe everything you make me feel.
My playlists may be filled with numerous hours of songs that scratch the surface,
But none of them do the trick.
I pine over certain verses, but the lyrics are never right.
And now I’ve realized, it’s because we never got to tell our story.
And maybe, just maybe, I need to stop searching for our lyrics.
And let us write them ourselves.
I used to be so guarded,
Apprehensive of vulnerability
Afraid to just let people see me.
I hid behind high walls
Walls made of steel
Walls with no door
I regarded vulnerability as a flaw
— But it’s not.
And I’m ready.
I’m so happy you showed your true colors
Before I fell too hard for the person I thought you were
You wake up and she’s lying beside you
Soft breaths escape her parted lips,
Harmoniously matching the rise and fall of her chest.
Sunlight creeps in through the cracks in the blinds
Illuminating her pale, exposed skin.
Her legs are tangled between yours,
The blanket lightly draped up over her waist.
The moment of quietness is tranquil,
And your mind is at ease.
You shift slightly to kiss the top of her head,
Careful not to wake her.
You could write poetry about this sensation,
But you’re too busy enjoying the view.
They ask, where does it hurt?
You exhale, disconsolately.
Well, you see…
It’s your head; it throbs as thoughts consume you.
Regretting what you did say,
contemplating what you should have said.
It’s your stomach; it’s always in knots.
Unexplained nausea, intense stomach pains, uneasiness.
It’s your bones;
they ache to remind you you’re weak.
It’s your chest;
it feels like a weight is crushing it,
making it burdensome to breathe.
It’s like waking up from a nightmare;
You can’t recall the details,
But that fear lingers, thickening the air around you.
It’s your eyes;
They’re swollen, puffy, red
From the tears, from the restless nights.
It’s the lack of purpose;
Like you’re just existing, not living
Each day is an endless loop and you can’t get out.
It’s the water drowning you;
You’re struggling to stay afloat.
It’s the inability to nurse your wounds;
Because you can’t bandage up something inside of you.
It’s your worst enemy;
Nesting inside you and you can’t run away.
It’s your lack of control;
Never knowing who you truly are.
It’s the loneliness that engulfs you;
Regardless of the number of people around you.
So where does it hurt, you ask?
Where doesn’t it hurt?
You showed me how to be who I am
Taught me it’s okay to be comfortable in my skin
You helped me find the strength and the words
Built up my courage to be myself
Stood by my side as the world crumbled
Always picked up the pieces
You showed me my potential for happiness
And helped me be brave enough to get there.
The sun beamed down, warming our skin
But I was already on fire
You parted your lips
Softly biting into another plump, red strawberry
My eyes inspected your mouth
As I speculated how your lips could feel against mine
How they’d taste — coated in the sweetness of strawberries
The sound of your infectious laughter snapped me back
We interlaced fingers as we searched for the next perfect berry
But nothing could be as perfect as you:
Petite frame, soft long hair,
Eyes that put the ocean to shame.
Your sun-kissed cheeks against porcelain skin.
I imagined we were alone
As the desire lingered in the air
The fluttering sensation in my stomach
Chewing the inside of my cheek, failing to resist
A blush swept across my face that I failed to conceal
You giggled and bit your lip, locking eyes with me
Knowing exactly what I wanted to do
I leaned in slowly, pressing my lips against yours
Then carefully, I pulled back
But when our eyes locked again
I recognized the same desire in your ocean eyes
And my fingers got lost in your blonde locks
As I leaned in again,
And finally captured the taste of strawberries.
That slight of touch
So slight, you barely feel it
Oh, but you do
Shooting shivers up your spine
As the tingle drives its way down your sides
Too delicious to pull away
Desire filling every ounce of your being
That slight of touch
With the tip of my fingertip
As I trace the shape of your parted lips
Ever so slight,
The shiver creeping down in all its delight
My fingertips move to trace your jawline
Sculpted, carved out like artwork
Down your neck to your collarbone now
Such an underrated spot that makes you shiver
Across your chest, then down your sides
Fingertips dig into your hips, pulling you closer
The shiver dissapates, turning into pure need
You flash your sly little grin
And I fall for your facade
Luring me in, testing my naivety
And you won
My safety dissipates, fight or flight kicking in
But I was already trapped
Your large frame hovering over my petite one
Taking what you needed, not waiting for permission
Weak and afraid, suffocating between the pillow and your mouth
As your hands took what they wanted
But the worst was yet to come…
and the scars never truly go away.
Especially when it happens again.